Friends. Friendship.
Some people have dozens of friends - best friends, good friends, see-occasionally friends, friends on a Christmas card list, old friends, new friends,.. Others have only a few friends, maybe one or two best friends, and a handful of acquaintances who are only 'sort of' friends. Some people were popular at school - always had a group of friends, others had one or two, or even no friends.
I'm interested to know how many authors had friends at school, or as a child. I'm curious because I didn't have friends. I had other children I'd play with in my pre-teens but we lost touch when we went from junior school to senior - because they went to a different school, and then two moved away. There were a couple of girls I'd hang around with at secondary school, but looking back why on earth was I friends with them? Neither of them liked the things I liked (horses and reading) because of one, I remember being in tears on several occasions because of her over-the-top (cruel) teasing, which is not good when you are shy, lonely and completely lacking in self-confidence. (Yes honest! That is me until around my mid-twenties!)
It wasn't until I left school and went to work in 1969 (I was 16) that I made a few friends - although all these (many) years later most have fallen by the wayside. I 'lost' a few friends when I moved from London to Devon. I miss them because we used to laugh a lot ... I don't regret moving to Devon though!
My 'best' friend, totally unexpectedly, passed away in 2001. And that's partly why I'm writing this (no it's not a 'feel sorry for me' article! Read on!) She died on October 31st the date when we remember 'the departed' (let's forget about all the rather ridiculous, and purely commercial, ghouls and monsters nonsense - Halloween is a time for remembering friends and family who have passed on. It isn't a time of vampires, trolls or blue-painted monsters.) She went to sleep, never woke up. I miss her. A lot. I need to move on and stop missing her, but it isn't as easy as that is it?
The reason I wonder whether authors often didn't have friends as children is because I did have friends, but they were all fictional ones. My friends were the characters from books, some remain friends to this day: Jill from Ruby Fergusson's Jill's Gymkhana, Will Stanton from Susan Cooper's The Dark Is Rising, Tamzin and Rissa from Monica Edwards' Romney Marsh and Punchbowl Farm series and a plethora of other horsey friends I met in various pony story adventures. They were all real to me, good friends who didn't tease or deliberately get you into trouble with a teacher, or arrange to meet and then not turn up. Fictional characters usually don't let you down.
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| My friend, Anna Belfrage and moi |
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| Roma Nova Series by Alison Morton |
My own characters are my best mates of course - although again the real people of the past from Harold the King (I Am the Chosen King in the US) and A Hollow Crown (The Forever Queen in the US) were not on quite the same level of 'friends' as Arthur (King Arthur - who probably wasn't a real person) or Jesamiah Acorne, my pirate (who I adore, even when he does grumble and nag!)
I had a best friend who turned out to not be a best friend, I have a best friend who has been a best friend for many years and who now runs my website and has a heart of gold. I have a best friend who lives in North Carolina and is a very special best friend, I have other friends who I met and 'friended' through my writing (not mentioning any names - you all know who you are!)
So there are two things that puzzle me:
One is that recently the friend who died has been in my dreams and in each dream she's telling me to 'go away'. Is this because sub-consciously I am wondering if we were 'best' friends... maybe she didn't feel that I was her best friend? Or is she trying to tell me to 'let go' and move on?
My second curious puzzle: are authors of fiction 'good' authors because we didn't have many friends, so we became adept at making them up and making them very real? Or is it just me feeling a tad over-emotional because I miss the real people who were friends but now aren't, and it's nearly halloween?
Weird things friends, aren't we?
No value can be put on a true friendship. Even thinking of ascribing value is a crass thing to do. Nobody counts favours in a friendship; you just give what you can.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, it's a meeting of minds, sharing values and experiences that form a common bond. Usually it's a rush of pleasure or laughter, sometimes it's a serious discussion or even a disagreement. But you know a friend is a real one when they accept you as you are.
I'm honoured to be your friend, Helen.
The honour's all mine Alison - honest support, honest friendship is a thing to value and appreciate. I count myself to be so fortunate to know you and my other 'besties'
Deletei'll stop embarrassing us both now ;-) and try to answer your second question.
DeleteI think I was a slightly weird child with an over active imagination. I was certainly weird at grammar school, but I think we all were a bit odd. My preferences were for (guess what?) Latin, French and history and my reading centred on Dennis Wheatley, Sergeanne Golon (Angélique), Asimov and The Saint series by Leslie Charteris.
So, yes, I'd suggest authors are probably voracious readers who by their nature spend an awful lot of time by themselves in different worlds.
Even though I was the only one who left Austria after college, several of my friends from first grade on have stayed loyal to me throughout my gypsy life. In fact, those of us lucky to be still around just celebrated our 50th college class reunion (unfortunately, our Skype connection didn’t cooperate for a real-life toast – but we were there in “spirit” of all kind).
ReplyDeleteThen, so often again good friends were left behind as I moved from country to country. But many of them, too, have stayed in touch – as did several of my employers from way back.
And now, my horizon keeps expanding through my lovely (yes, Helen, “Lovely,” I agree with you, is such a heartfelt expression) far-away writer friends. You keep me sane and grounded in my back country-shrunk existence.
*Laugh* re your last sentence Inge I'm tempted to say 'Who is the fool, the fool or the fool who follows her?" but maybe I should change it to '"Who is the sane one, the insane one or the one following her!" Joking aside, it's the contact with lovely people via the Interweb that keeps many of us 'sane' - especially us indie writers who rely on our cyber-friends to be good, honest, caring always-there friends! So thank you dear friend!
DeleteI often wonder about why I spent more time off riding imaginary horses around the empty lots near my home as a child than I did playing with neighbor kids....I like to believe that my imagination took me places that I loved whereas just hanging with other kids (who did not share my love of horses) simply did not satisfy? I am only distantly in touch with a very few of those friends from my school days - a few best friends have come and gone in my life, but our individual passions and interests evolve over time too and we drift apart. But there are a few dear friends that I've just instantly felt a spiritual (not to be confused with religion LOL) connection to over the years, and you are one of those souls (along with Ashley and my departed cousin Linda). Why your best friend is telling you to go away....hrm...not sure how I'd interpret that either other than to agree that she may be saying to let go. We need a chat soon! xxx
ReplyDeleteMwah, hug ... yes chat soon!
DeleteWe have never met, Helen, yet I feel that you are one of the best friends I have ever had. It isn't just that, as strangers, you took my hand and led me down an alternative path of life that I had never dreamed of, introducing me to others who I feel I can call friends, despite having never met them either (except one!!). You have taken me into your confidence on more than one occasion and we have shared many an online laugh.
ReplyDeleteAs for your conundrums, how about this. Perhaps you had not thought of your friend for a while and she came to you in your dreams to remind you, fearing you may have forgotten her. You wrote this piece, prompted at least in part, by that/those dreams and shown her that you have not forgotten and still care as much as you ever did. the second part? I think every author must incorporate something of their lives in their writings and so a lonely child will often write a lonely character - or vice versa. But you and others here will know the truth of that.
Alison (above) has it dead right: you don't count favours in friendships ....
Thanks Richard - I think a friend is someone who shares a friendship without conditions - and who brings two bottles of wine when visiting, not just one! *laugh*
DeleteI can't tell you how delighted I am, Helen, that you cite Sam as one of your friends - he is too buttoned-up to express his own gratitude but he went a bit pink around the ears when I told him. So I think that answers one of your questions - you are far from the only author who believes that her characters are real! I am secretly hoping that I - as his mere creator - have also made the cut as one of your friends...
ReplyDeleteAs for your best friend appearing in your dreams, how lucky you are! I wouldn't pay any attention to what she says or does - the fact that she is on your mind and in your heart is just wonderful. My other died when I was a child and I am always so thrilled when she appears in my dreams, even if she is doing something completely inexplicable. And no, I don't think your friend is telling you to move on: why would you want to move on from such a lovely friendship?
Thank you for such a thought-provoking and touching post, my friend.
One of these days we'll get a chance to have lunch together Susan - or at least a coffee!
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