|Author: Charles Moberly|
|available from Amazon|
The Scrotum Toad is an outrageous comic novel set in Africa. The many and diverse characters bicker and swear in the vernacular of eight different languages and dialects: English, Danish, Yiddish, Australian, Texan, Irish, Hip Hop and Swahili.
The novel satirises beliefs, preferences, cultures, national characteristics and prejudices. It is resolutely anti-woke, and should be avoided by snowflakes who are easily offended.
The Scrotum Toad
Tangle is a tree-hugger who is often mistaken for a glamorous witch. She is proud of her organic smallholding in the heart of Africa.
When threatened by a bullying and corrupt businessman who starts trashing the environment and the local people, who can she turn to?
Surely not that foul-mouthed Aussie TV presenter, nor those famous and fabulously wealthy international holidaymakers who suddenly invade her precious patch. And how could an international food-eating competition, sponsored by the USA’s tin-eared goodwill ambassador, solve her problems?
Surrounded by xenophobic bickering, Tangle struggles to assert her authority, aided by some unlikely admirers.
The Scrotum Toad is an outrageous comic novel which will have the easily offended spluttering over their lattes. Nationalities, cultures and occupations are satirised shamelessly.
You have been warned.
|also available as an e-book|
‘Naturally, we recycle all our waste products here. Before they fall a hundred and forty feet, the solids are separated from the liquids. The liquids are then filtered - at least I assume they are; hm, I’ve never really checked - to provide our drinking water.’
The word recycling alone was bound to get Chest going again. ‘You mean we’re drinking our own piss?’
‘Not just your own. Be fair, other people’s too.’
Teeny looked alarmed. ‘Aren’t there any side effects?’
‘Oh loads. And front effects, and rear effects.’
Lola shook her head at Teeny pityingly. Could she really be lapping up this shit? An apt way of putting it, she thought grimly to herself.
‘By the way,’ said Jake, ‘that reminds me. If you are ill as a result, do please make sure you vomit into the recycling bowl. Tangle insists that we compost everything here.’
Chest wasn’t having that. ‘I’m telling you, Sweetums, you don’t have to do that, not while I’m around and kicking. Well, partly kicking. It’s all phoney baloney, this ecology nonsense. What I want to know is what this mysterious animal is that I overheard a couple of your colleagues talking about. With my busted leg it’ll be a while before I can go huntin’ again. But I sure am curious to know what that beast might be.’
‘Ah, you mean Kirsten’s great discovery. I’m not sure I ought to be talking about that. You see... All right, then.’ Jake moved his chair closer to Chest and assumed a loud stage whisper. ‘It’s an animal which everyone thought was extinct. She’s rediscovered it.’
‘Is it big?’
‘A fair size. Let’s say you wouldn’t want to meet it on a narrow path on a dark night.’
‘My God!’ Chest’s blazing eyes revealed how impressed he was. ‘Are you able to tell me what it is?’
‘Just a hint, maybe?’
‘Put it this way, if you were to have a guess and were on the right lines, I wouldn’t put you off the scent.’
‘Let me see now. There’s the white tiger. I’ve heard they’re so rare that no one’s actually seen one for a while outside a zoo.’
Jake leaned back in his chair with a sphinx-like smile.
‘No!’ Chest didn’t dare believe it. Had he really got it in one?
‘Well I’ll be darned!’
‘Keep it to yourself. Yourselves.’ Jake sounded panicky, as though regretting he’d said too much. ‘We don’t want to be letting the cat out of the bag. The cat?’
Chest leaned back. ‘Don’t you worry, son. I’ve been producing movies for thirty years.’
‘Thank you, Dream Girl, thirty-two years booking stars, planning locations, hiring directors. That requires heapsa confidentiality. Discretion is my middle name. Your secret’s safe with me, and with Teeny. She’s been by my side for all of that time and more...’
‘Is that right, my Cutesy Pie, well thirty-eight it is, so you can count on her too. And you, Lola?’
‘Oh you bet,’ said Lola acidly.
‘Chest can’t wait to get back hunting again,’ gushed Teeny. ‘It’s why he came out to Africa, that and to plan his next movie.’
‘We’ll leave that subject for now,’ said Chest sharply. He was still smarting over Rutt’s rebuttal of his plan to shoot an African film about Gordy.
‘And you Teeny?’ Jake saw Teeny as a target for further leg pulling.
‘Oh me, I came out to get a baby.’
‘Do you know, for one moment I actually thought you said you came out here to get a baby.’
‘To have a baby, how wonderful!’
‘Oh, you flatterer!’ Teeny shrieked with delight. ‘I think I’m a bit old for that. No, I came out to buy one.’